I remember sitting in that white walled apartment with the ladies. The best friend and the bitch.
Back against the wall, legs stretched. i think to myself “I am too long for this bed and I’m too high.” I trace a textured ceiling with the dark blue rim around lighter blue irises with dilated pupils and red corneas. i feel my brain lifting and shifting.
The ladies are laughing and I don’t know why. I think it was something I said, but I have no idea what I just said. A fat ginger that brought the free weed sits across the room, bouncing on a medicine ball. We had been friends since middle school, but had really never left middle school.
I rise with awareness and begin to offer legitimate conversations as I light up a Camel Crush. Original go to ice breakers, “What kind of music do you like?” i ask the ginger with the wealthy family, rugby shirt and braces mouth.
"Nelly." he replies.
I cringe at the thought of good music being wasted and realize more than ever that I don’t like his vibe. i grab the laptop and nod to the ladies. We all give each other that look and i put on Congratulations by Drake. Our awkward moment where we pretend to zone out and he leaves. He looks at me and I purse my lips and raise my brows in fake interest.
Time lapse. He’s gone.
The two redneck guys with the country weed who made horrifying jokes. Congratulations.
The frat boys with the shitty ringtones. Congratulations.
"Too high for this shit" drives with the bitch’s jank sugar daddies. Congratulations.
On the way home from the club with my head hanging low in the backseat of the cab. Congratulations.
My youth. Congratulations.
THE one night stand.
The bitch was indeed a BITCH. But you know what they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Not only did the bitch fuck for money and drugs, she fucked the best friend and I out of a lot of golden opportunities.
She was too good for this guy.
She underestimated me.
Thought her game was better than mine.
She was an ignorant human being.
She brought him over to the apartment one night for a birthday celebration. All over him, even claimed they were dating. He was gorgeous and had just graduated with a Crim Jus degree, drove a nice truck.
One weekend later, we all hit the club. Bitch and “boyfriend” in attendance. We all stand around the bars and I make eyes at the boyfriend. i feel them sparkling in those bright blue lights. I’m working some magic as I sip my mojito and pop the cherry into my mouth.
The bitch is gone. And no one knows where she is.
The chemistry is burning my fucking chest with this guy.
Eyes on Fire starts blaring as I walk with my best friend to the smoky dance floor and I see him standing at the bar watching me. We are burning the place down with exchanged looks. He’s watching me sway, swinging my hair and rubbing my hands down my torso to the music.
The backdoor opens and I see the bitch file out with another male.
I nonchalantly take my friend’s house, hair swish by the “boyfriend” and walk outside to the parking lot.
It’s dark but the lights are lighting up the gray pavement and my heels pound heavy. Flat black Escalade rocking back in forth belonging to a local policeman. There is the bitch, top down, riding him like a horse.
We see it. We both see it.
A flame ignites and I take a deep breath as I make my way back into the club.
I lean up to his ear and say “Let’s get out of here.”
Four of us take two separate cabs home.
We’re almost alone. Sitting on opposite sides of the backseat staring. City lights, glowing faces and excitement for the unknown.
We sit in the floor of the apartment. I roll a white grape blunt and take a hit, then I take my hand and blow the smoke into his mouth as I straddle his lap.
"Fucking great." he says as he moves his hands to my hips.
"What about her though?"
He kisses me.
"You’re the one i want."
Victorious as he bends me over the leather couch we all shared. Pants down. Belt clanking to the floor. Condom rip, Slamming into me.
I arch my back and within three minutes, we’ve both came and I feel very very good about what I had just done.
I send him on his way and leave him with hope that maybe we’ll see each other again soon. I have no intention of even a Facebook add to remain in contact.
No sooner I close the door the bitch arrives and asks me about my night. The best friend and I smile, harboring my dirty little secret and not leading on that we know anything of hers.
He dumped her that afternoon.
You, bitch…should have NEVER underestimated ME.
and to this day, she still doesn’t know.
i feel like we’re falling out of love. getting too comfortable with one another. i used to see so much passion in your eyes and now i see nothing. i want that feeling back so much. i want to feel the love you used to give me when we first became a couple. i felt our love was untouchable and now i feel like the smallest thing will destroy everything. it’s like we are both on the cusp of giving up and it makes me sick and it scares me to death. i don’t ever want to think about being without you. you have got to show me something again. i am so confused. i can’t figure you out anymore. i can’t see your feelings, i can’t sense anything with you anymore. i don’t know when this wall came up but it’s pushing me away. i’ve made some grand gestures that you won’t even acknowledge. it’s like i’m just here and not because you need me here anymore. i want to know what is going on in your heart and why i am feeling this way. i just don’t know what do
This album just brings so much out of me.
Happiness. Anger. Sadness. Longing.
This song makes my heart want to implode and I want to cry.
Say hello to everything you’ve left behind
It’s even more a part of your life now that you can’t touch it